Monday, 27 April 2015

Female Hormones & Feminisation Desires

Trying to achieve feminisation,
Cheryl Sussex Author of this blog.
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Male to Female Hormone Personal Experience

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to feminize myself and turn myself into a female. I have always just wanted to appear and be taken as a female. To blend in - the impossible fantasy.

I have been on low dose estrogen (with supervision)  on and off over the years and they have had their effects on my mind and body. I very much like the effects and feel a great deal of inner satisfaction from these effects of which are many.   In a perfect world it would be wonderful to transition full time but the idea is simply soooo scary. Worrying about being judged, rejected, laughed at in the street these fears are very, very real. I feel I face a constant inner battle between living a life expected of me and wanting to be the female I have always fantasied about being.

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I often stop taking oestrogen's as I feel I should have another 'one last attempt' at being male. It only lasts for a short time and I'm back on the hormones feeling much better, then I get getting to a point where I fear the uncertain future and I perhaps frighten myself to stopping hormones once again.

I have always used the word 'fantasise' regarding my longing to be female. What does this mean exactly? Constant thoughts running around inside my head that I want to appear as a woman. I want to see a feminine body when I see myself. Previously before the hormonal intervention the high male sex drive would get caught up in with the fantasy. Crossdressing was the only way of expressing how I felt inside and mixing in sexual desire made the experience 100% real inside my head. I found using sexual expression a way of expressing what I felt was the real me inside. The shame and guilt felt after a crossdressing session was so great that  always vowed 'never again I'll be normal'. The intense shame I felt was good enough to switch off the cross dreaming thoughts for a short while, but they always returned.
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Have I achieved feminisation?
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I spent years wrestling with myself. Something inside of me knew I wanted to take female hormones. Something inside of me felt that I would feel much more myself if I did. So I got them, first from the net and then I saw a doctor and got them prescribed.

These days any sexual expression that gets caught up with my desire to appear female, does not end in any form of shame, nor does it stop the cross dreaming thoughts. Using what was a sexual expression to 'experience' the inner woman just does not really work any more to arrest or express any cross dreaming thoughts. So I have been able to separate what I feel is my female self from being mixed up with any sexual expression.

In fact my sexual expression and thoughts are now more to the regular thoughts of being attracted to others and not within myself. I feel good about not being as male as I once was, and delight in the knowledge of removing my masculinity. What am I left with? I'm left with the constant nagging feeling of still wanting to still appear and be female.




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I no longer have any way of switching off the thoughts as the shame is not there any more due to the workings of oestrogen. So have I made my situation worse now by getting rid of the shame and sexual associations? For me the most important thing about taking oestrogen was to feel normalised. This does work but I am pushing myself further along the conveyor belt of transition even though I know its what I want most.

Day to day I live my life as a male although when on hormones I often get taken as a woman, which for some reason mystifies me. I wear women jeans and have my hair long as a male so I probably look a sight. I love having longer hair and would never have it cut as a male style again.


Feminized?
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So have I already achieved what I very much felt I needed to do - feminisation? I still want to take things further, what I have done is not enough.

It does seem to me that oestrogen treatment has done me a lot of good, to the point where I simply feel I should be on it full time regardless of my fears.

If anyone else out there is in the same boat as me please do write. Or if you simply want to comment please do. All comments are extremely helpful. Your comment will not appear on the blog until I approve it. This is only to keep the nasty trolls at bay.









Are you affected by crossdressing? Do you have cross gender feelings that you find difficult to talk about? Why not try Cross Dream Life at http://crossdreamlife.lefora.com

Crossdressing support group

23 comments:

  1. Hi I also have a strong desire to become a female.. may I know what female hormones you are taking?

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    1. I am currently taking Aldactone and Progynova.. is it enough?

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    2. I am taking estroderm 50 patches

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  2. I identify with a lot of what you say, Cheryl. I'd like to write to you but can't see your contact details anywhere on this page. D

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    1. You can write to me either through Tranisa.com or Crossdreamlife.com x

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  3. I wish I had the courage to go as far as you have already, Cheryl! Hopefully your heart will let you know where you want to be. <3

    Your ambivalence really shows in the movie themes. They are soooo based on coercion or humiliation. Those forced feminization fantasies personally make me go "yuk!" I've already lived so much of my life by others' rules!

    Tell you what, sweetie... how about making a few movies where the lucky guy becoming feminized not only wants it but also is gently and lovingly led there, having a joyously sensuous time being a woman. I'm not just talking about a "happy ending", but happy all the way through. No shame. No humiliation. No pressure. No coercion. Just love -- love of femininity, love of herself, love of women whether they're born as women or not.

    Also, I must confess that while I absolutely adore and cherish my feminine side, I refuse to be called a "sissy" or to be put into that caricatured, humiliating role. I am not less of a person because I love femininity: I am more of one, because I'm being true to myself.

    Enough of the sermon. I guess you've just touched something in me, honey! I wish I could be there to hold you close and kiss you from head to toes (with and without the camera on!) You are lovely. I wish I could be so pretty!

    Truly wishing that all of your dreams come true, and that all of your nightmares end. Love you!!! <3

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    1. Thank you for your kind words.
      Not all of the films I have made revolve around humiliation. Most of the earlier stuff we did like My Pretty Husband are 'nice' . We had a great deal of requests to make more humiliation type films, and we found that these type of movies were bigger sellers as they seems to appeal to a wider audience. Always welcome new ideas and thoughts.

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    2. Sweetly Sexy,

      I feel the same way you do. My fantasy is that my femininity is discovered and encouraged and nurtured by the people I love. No humiliation or rejection. Just love and acceptance. As therapy I decided to rewrite my childhood. It is a fictional story but heavily influenced by my own thoughts, feelings and experiences. I literally cried as I wrote it. I call the story "the way it should be." Because a child should never suffer as we have. Femininity in a boy is not a disease that needs to be cured. Hopefully in the next few weeks I will put it out there on fictionmania or the like.

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    3. Well, you can consider this a request to go back to the nice side. I can understand the need for making a living, but I thought the whole point of all of this is being true to yourself.

      And I find the humiliation stuff (not just in the transgender area but all around the fetish community, too) so invalidating that it's... well, let me put it this way: it's kinda like a lobster and shit sandwich -- no matter how much lobster there is, you just can't ignore that other ingredient.

      Don't get me wrong. I personally think you're wonderful as a person and in what you're doing for all of us girls. It would just sit with me better if at the same time you weren't feeding the misconception that those of us who want to be the female self we truly are deserve humiliation, that it's somehow a degradation, a diminution of being deserving of love and respect, to want to be feminine. I'd love to see you return to that better side. <3 That's the sweet side that shines through in your pictures.

      And to unknown -- I would <3 love <3 to read it! Feel free to send it to me at sensuousduck atgmail. :)

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    4. Personally the humiliation attached to the trans fantasy does not do it for me either. However the amount of requests I got through to incorporate it in the stories dominated the email I got by about 90%.

      I don't in anyway feel that trans people need humiliation each to their own. From my own experience though I have known many Tgirls who go out of their way to either expose themselves or humiliate themselves in some way, usually at your expense. They usually do this on safe turf, not their own. For example you invite a Tgirl around for dinner and they deliberately knock on the neighbours door by 'mistake' so as they can expose themselves to your neighbours. I even lived with another Tgirl who used to put all of her dry underwear out on a clothes horse and pretend it was drying whenever I had a non TG friend around. This Tgirl would then stand by the clothes horse drinking a cup of tea to draw attention to the underwear hanging on the clothes horse.

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  4. Cheryl, i am almost lost for words seeing these photos...actually i am lost for words! Amazing and beutiful is all i have! We met a few years ago, i was in a few of your films, and i was in the mind set of what can hormones do for me at my age? i may have to re-examine the possibilities

    Tiff XX

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    1. Dear Tiff
      Thanks for your most welcome comments :-)
      Yes I remember you :-) I hope you're well and all is going well for you.
      Cheryl xx

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  5. i am in the exact same place as you. I want to start on hormones but am sure my family will disown mee if i go on it. I am not brave enough yo out myself. Can i somehow start on hrt but still keep passing as a guy to my family and society?

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    1. Very difficult situation. A very low dose my help keep the edge off it for you without too many changes. Lots of factors involved age, how your body responds etc etc.

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  6. All I can say is that in your pictures you most definitely have achieved full feminisation — if I met you on the street, never having read this blog of yours, I would not even dream of being addressing anything else but a woman. Of course it helps that you look like a woman and feel like a woman, and that definitely shows.

    In fact, looking twice at your pictures, I'm actually surprised that you can still 'live your daily life as a male', because I cannot possibly understand how you can still 'pass as a male' — even in jeans and a loose T-shirt!

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  7. Hi Cheryl, You are looking lovely! Congratulations! It's still early days for me, but I am making modest progress with pueraria mirifica, in serum, cream and capsule form. As I live in Norway and am not SRS track by their narrow definition here, and as I am over thirty, I am more or less cut off from ordering Estradiol from overseas and similar products. But that is all right. As an androgyne (my chosen label), I feel that the journey is more important than the final destination. But I applaud your accomplishment and the lifestyles of all of us off-gender folks, a truly motley crew!

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  8. Low dose hormones are still hormones and if you take them long enough they will not only change your brain/emotions/feelings, they will change your body. You will grow breasts, your hips will change, fat will move here and there, your libido may take a hit, and erectile dysfunction will become your new friend. And people will notice if your physical changes are pronounced enough. Estrogen isn't as strong in the short term as testosterone but it gets the job done. So be careful what you wish for. Feminization and transition are not a chinese menu. You can't pick what happens to you. But if you are having issues with gender dysphoria, taking hormones can change everything and bring the sun back into your life where only anxiety and despair held reign. That is how it was for me. But if you don't have gender dysphoria, be very careful with estrogen--you may not like what you get. Molly P

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  9. I'm in the exact same place. As I read this, word for word, I thought to myself, this person is inside my head! YIKES! I haven't taken any hormones - yet - but have called a well known-reputable place here in the Los Angeles area that deals with the trans community and administers HRT to ask some questions. I too work full time as a "male" and all my friends and family know me as "gay". I want to try a low dose of hormones to see how that works for me and how it makes me feel inside and when I look in the mirror. A first brave step for me. I have just finished 6 treatments of facial laser hair removal and just began the chest/back of which is not too crazy since I'm not super hairy - still another huge step. It's scary and exciting. Glad to know someone else feels the exact same way I do.

    Veronica Robles (Long Beach)

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  10. Itoo wanted to take estrogen but my friends who are in medicale line warned me that it may cause cancer is it so

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  11. Thank you all for sharing... I am going to reconsider present use of herbals and start doing the real thing... hormones..

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  12. Im am impressed by your story. Growing up for me was quite hard on me being so isolated. At the age of 3 my mother continuously said to me I should have been born a female but I was already feeling something wasnt right about my body. All these years after 8 I was constantly trying to come out but my parents threated to beat me or have me locked up. After 18 I tried cross dressing here and their till my ex wife caught me and we got a divorce. However I met someone who I opened up to and she changed my whole world and accepted me being transgender. We got married on here birthday last year and supports me so much. I have been on female hormones for 20 months now,I've had voice feminization surgery so far and now gettingmy 2 letters of recommendation for the grs. I'm grateful and happier than I've ever been and since completely coming out permanently my parents have hated me since and it's OK cause I've moved on without them in my life. As far as hormones I take everyday finasteride,spironolactone,progesterone and once a week I take estrodiol valerate injection.

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  13. Dear Cheryl,
    I am in exactly the same position as you. I have been self medding on female hormones for about 3 years at relatively low doses.
    I have got to the stage of tull acceptance of my desire/need to transition and am now on the NHS pathway through Charing Cross with a view to living full time as Vicki, my true self xx

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