Saturday 24 April 2021

Maintenance of Gender Dysphoria via Estrogen

 I have often felt that I use estrogen as a way of keeping the feelings of GD (gender dysphoria) at bay. The initial approach was the hormones without transition idea, so I could simply feel better about myself and accept a measure of feminisation to keep my GD in check. A  maintenance of my body chemistry so as I could feel normal. This has worked well for me in most ways pushing the nasty nagging 'noise' of GD out of the way, so as I can get on with life. Naturally over time even with a low dose you WILL feminise. But this is what you want anyway, what you have been longing and desiring for as long as you can remember.

We hear a lot about GD  as being a feeling of not feeling at ease with your own physical gender and or gender role within our society.  

So what are these feelings actually like for me? If I don't use estrogen I slowly build up a level of GD which simply becomes intolerable. Serious obsessional thoughts, pretty much night and day regarding wanting to be female, wanting to go back on estrogen for its mental effects, wanting the physical effects of estrogen. Feelings of intense jealousy of women, of wanting to be like them. Intense sadness of the realisation of being a male. Living your life for the expectations of others and not your own wishes. Repression of femininity expression leading to fantasies of being female through your own sexuality, as a symptom of GD. 

Taking estrogen the plus points:

- Feeling of at easy and calm within yourself.

- All of the obsessional thoughts, and the 'noise' of GD is greatly reduced by 80% or more

- Happy not being so sexually driven, being in control.

- Feeling good about the  physical feminizing effects 

- Liking what you see in the mirror

- A more colourful and meaningful sexuality

As estrogen makes me feel much more like 'me' does this mean I have the necessary estrogen receptors in my brain to make me feel good? Perhaps responding positively to estogen is indeed a physical test to determine who should seriously consider partial or full transition. We are told that if a regular guy were to take estrogens he would certainly not feel happy about himself, even if this were done as a blind test.

I have been on and off hormones for many years. The GD clears up nicely on hormones to the point were you often feel 'cured' but stopping the treatment soon brings back all of the problems you had before. So I am coming to the conclusion that taking estrogen is really what my body demands now to feel normal and happy. 

Feminisation is so very much desired but it is also feared, as you have to worry about how others will see you and how you're going to fit into the society. I often think that feminisation is so desired by me, like someone who desires power or gold to the extent that the desire itself should be forbidden. A sense of guilt about having the need which can cause you to try your best to try and return to being a regular male again. 

A feeling that I should 'pull myself together', and abandon the trans feelings. This is always done out of fear. This has occued many times to me, but each time I go back to estrogen to save me from the darkness of GD. Of course I have push myself futher down the line of transition each time I have done this.

I still live as a male, but when on estrogen, when it kicks in, I may get called madame when shopping or out and about. Even if I am trying to present as male. I have grown my hair long and wear a ponytail, I would not want to have my hair short ever again, I am happy with  my body and the changes and don't regret what estrogen has done, yet I fear going past a certain point. We see ourselves differently to the way other see us and I am  often surprised if I'm taken as female.

When I do present as female I simply feel so good about myself, but there is often the forbidden guilt inside of me. Maybe I have feminized myself and I have achieved what I wanted, but I desire more.

The temptation to increase the estrogen dose is so very strong. 

Do you think dear reader the effects of estrogen are a good thing if you're much happier as a person? There have been times when I have felt that estrogen has simply been pushing me harder and harder to actually be female. Perhaps estrogen is making my situation worse rather that balancing and maintaining the GD levels. However part of me loves what is happening to me. A guilty pleasure where I so want it but I am frightened too. I am happy and do want to be further feminized. If I was not taking estrogen the obsessional thoughts about being female would become disabling. You can't win and you have to accept all what comes from taking estrogen.

I appreciate that this posting my sound very mixed up. I find writing about such feelings actually very confusing. It's like the ultimate puzzle I have been given which I feel can be solved but not sure how.

I welcome all your thoughts, readers comments are approved before being accepted.

Love you all

Cheryl xx


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Sunday 24 May 2020

Funeral Parade of Roses, directed by Toshio Matsumoto 1969

The Lovely 'Eddie'
Funeral Parade of Roses is a very unusual yet fascinating movie directed by Toshio Matsumoto in 1969. Clearly an experimental film, yet it’s so much more, offering a unique insight into a hidden subculture of Japan in the late 1960s.

Funeral Parade of Roses is an influential film which has encouraged other styles of filming for other directors. The film is said to have encouraged Stanley Kubrick to adapt A Clock Work Orange to film in the style that he did. I also see elements of other later movies too. Toshio Matsumoto himself was influenced by the films of the French New Wave, especially the work of Jean-Luc Godard.

Eddie and her friends face a surprise

Funeral Parade of Roses can be classified as a surreal, transgressive, avant garde and a queer punk drama, with documentary inserts. The film is a ‘film within a film’. The film breaks off occasionally from the drama into the real life of the actors, with interviews and some behind the scenes footage. This actually helps the non sequential, and at times psychedelic timeline of the drama, this works very well keeping the viewer interested.
The Young Eddie Tries Lipstick

Who are the actors? Toshio Matsumoto used people from the real life underground scene at the time. The main ‘gay boy’, Eddie is very pretty and you may enjoy the erotic moments within the film. The actor playing Eddie was already a gay celebrity at the time. There is no bad acting and everything is well filmed in a basic manner giving a fly on the wall effect, and a sense of realism for the audience.

Japanese tranny bars aren't like they used to be

 I didn’t feel I was watching a film that was made fifty years ago. To Western eyes the world of Japan seems surreal in itself, let alone the world of the Japanese trans bar, adding to the films merit. The film felt ahead of its time and contained subject matter that would not have been allowed in the UK when initially released.

 Some of the lovemaking content reminded me of the early Japanese Pink or Pinku eiga films but then we are moved back to the drama or even the documentary dimension of the film. These sequences do fetishise the transgender character Eddie, somewhat, but then again another trans character states that, 'all Eddie has is her sexuality'.

The usual terms of transgender do not apply within this film. As I understand there is no translation for our modern understanding, so the term ‘gay boy’ is used throughout the film. Their meaning used in the film does not seem to mean homosexual either as the characters are asked if they prefer men or women. The soundtrack is very 1960s with a psychedelic note to it, but it also has a modern quality about it too. Rather like a composer today creating a 1960s soundtrack for a modern film.

The Film Within a Film Technique

I personally approached this film with some trepidation. I just purchased the newly released Bluray, and I was not sure what to expect. The trailer (see below) does give a good account of what to  expect. I personally enjoyed the film. This really is not for everyone with its surrealism, imagery and mixed timeline. I enjoyed the glimpse into an underground transgender world of Japan in the late 1960s. Think of it as FX’s ’Pose’, done without the gloss in gritty Japanese style.

Eddie having a long lingering shower

 You’ll notice I have not mentioned the story at all. This is perhaps because the film itself and what it offers is more important than the story. But for those you want to know what it’s about here is a synopsis.

The film follows the trials and tribulations of Eddie and his male lover Jimi, whilst trying to keep their affair secret from Jimi’s other lover. Eddie struggles with his identity and we are shown his younger life with his unaccepting mother, suffering molestation and a murder for good measure. All this set against the lives of other transgender women in the underground ‘Gay Bar’ (read:’Trans Bar’) scene in Tokyo. 

The film has been beautifully restored with a new 4K scan. I saw it on a 100” screen and it really was a perfect restoration. The Bluray can be purchased at Amazon on the BFI (British Film Institute) label.

 Here is the trailer:

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Friday 3 January 2020

Transgender BBC Play For Today 1979 "Even Solomon"

Gender Transformation and Acceptance from 1979

Those who follow this blog know I love digging out old and rare footage from film and television featuring transgender characters. Yesterday I discovered this very rare gem from the BBC from the Play For Today series which run from 1970 to 1984. The episode from 1979 is called 'Even Solomon' and is feature length running for 82 minutes. I think it may have only been shown once on television.

The Play For Today series pushed boundaries with their content giving us such delights as 'Scum' and 'Brimstone and Treacle'. So this was groundbreaking stuff in 1979.

You have to allow for the programme being made in 1979, and forgive the rather basic filming techniques. The acting is rather staged, like you're watching a play on the stage. But the trans character is done extremely well.  Some of the information presented is not accurate by todays standards, but as a stand alone piece this really is very good.

The transgender character is called Stephen and is played very convincingly by Paul Henley. Stephen works in a bank and is teased by his by his work mates, lacks confidence, is a virgin and has no interest in sex. He lives with his mother who is a rather dominating figure and mocks him for 'being wet'. But Stephen has a secret - he likes to wear women clothes.

His secret is discovered by his mother who comes home early from an unsuccessful date. She initially falls about laughing at her son but then soon becomes horrified when she realises that this is something serious.

His mother confides with her friend during a midnight phone call. Through her friend she introduces Stephen to a cross dresser. The crossdresser soon realises that Stephen is simply not a regular crossdresser by a transsexual who can only be happy if he changes his gender full time.

Stephen decides to go full time and then returns to his bank job dressed as a female....I will not spoil the end.

The full play can be found on UK Amazon Streaming Services

On a similar note there was a spin off series produced by the BBC called 'Play House', which run from 1973 to 1983 which featured a play about a trans person accepting their gender identity, called 'Mary's Wife'. If any reader knows where I can view this forgotten gem please let me know.

Are you affected by crossdressing? Do you have cross gender feelings that you find difficult to talk about? Why not try Cross Dream Life at

Tuesday 28 May 2019

Girl - Transgender Film with Victor Polster

Sadistic”, “Trauma Porn” and The most dangerous movie about a trans character in years". No this is not the latest Grindhouse exploitation film I have dug up from the dirty depths of sleaze cinema but the terms used to describe the film ‘Girl’ (2018 Belgium )- the latest transgender film directed by Lukas Dhont and starring Victor Polster. Based upon the true story of a ballerina named Nora Monsecour.

Nora Monsecour was an uncredited advisor on the set of the film to ensure authenticity of the filming and to preserve her experiences that the film is based upon. Which invalidates the criticism that the film was made from a cis perspective.

The film as you can tell and have probably read elsewhere has been severely criticised for its content and the fact that a cis male actor, Victor Polster was used to play the lead part. I understand that auditions where held and 500 actors where reviewed to play the part, many of them trans actors.

If you watch the film you will appreciate what a difficult project this film must have been to create. The lead part had to go to an actor who not only looked the part but could also dance the very intense dance sequences. Also you also have a tiny window of time to create the project. Any lost time who result in the actor playing the part aging too much during filming. So when casting for a film such as this you can’t fulfil the desires of the activists who require trans actors to play trans parts.

The director was also cautioned by the psychologists at Ghent University Hospital for Sexology and Gender at using a trans actor. They thought it ill advised casting a trans girl at a vulnerable point in her transition. So the director was acting in a responsible manner regarding the casting.

The film has a vouyeuristic approach which some may find uncomfortable. There are scenes of nudity and the removal of ‘genital tucking’ with tapes. The camera also lingers over scenes of the other girls clothed bodies at times. At first I was unsure about this but I finally agreed it helped the movie and express the turmoil of the trans girl.

On watching the film I did not know the history or controversy behind the movie. Victor Polster is absolutely convincing as the trans girl. He looks and acts the part to perfection. I was convinced that a real trans girl was playing the part.

For those who wonder what Victor looks like as a male, here you are:

The film is very good on one level and I would recommend it. However the film IS the trans element. If this part was removed you have a rather boring film about a young ballerina. The film is rather ‘fly on the wall’ and has a good sense of reality. Some may argue about one of the final scenes of self abuse which ends up with the trans girl being hospitalised. So do watch this film and make a decision for yourself.

Here is the trailer

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Monday 6 May 2019

Bibi Andersen Wears High Heels

Transgender Actress and Singer Bibi Andersen 

Bibi Andersen Today
I first saw Bibi Anderson in Vincent Aranda's 1977 film 'I Want to be a Woman' (Cambio de Sexo) when I was a teenager.

Bibi played a transsexual showgirl in the movie, which required her to expose her male genitals at the end of her dance performance. A later scene shows her stripping off showing herself naked after SRS. She explains that due to the SRS she now has to wear a latex penis to satisfy the curiosity of the audience. She holds out a box containing the latex penis during one scene in the movie.

I simply presumed that Bibi was a Spanish cis actress playing the part of a transsexual showgirl, wearing the latex penis.

Bibi was born as Manuel Fern├índez Chica, on 13th February 1954, and spent her childhood in Malaga. Bibi was assigned male at birth and began female hormone treatments as an adult, changing her name to Bibi. Bibi is also known by the name Bibiana Fern├índez, I believe both names have been used when crediting her works.

When Bibi  became her true self, she began appearing in cabaret and burlesque shows in several of Barcelona's vaudeville locations. This was during her late teens and early 20s. I can only presume the shows she appeared in exploited her pre operative status. 

Bibi had become an extremely beautiful, tall and glamorous woman, who would not look out of place on the cover of any top fashion magazine.

It was during this time that she was discovered and asked to appear in Aranda's 1977 film 'Cambio de Sexo'. 
There is a scene in the film which shows a poster for Bibi's stage show out side one of the theatres, which could possibly be the real show that Bibi appeared in. Perhaps the sequence within the film was a record of one of the actual cabaret appearances? 

Bibi was a real asset to the the film. Her acting ability proven she became a celebrity all over Spain, making several television appearances and releasing many successful hits songs.

Bibi with Victoria Abril

In the 1980's she appeared in many of Pedro Almodovar's movies such as 'Matador', 'Kika' and 'High Heels'

Almodovar's 'High Heels' was his usual visual feast of colour and style, which used transgender characters.

Here we see Bibi in a musical dance sequence. You'll notice that her co star in the film was Victoria Abril, a cis actress.  If you remember Victoria Abril played the transsexual woman in the earlier film 'I Want to be a Woman', Cambio de Sexo.

Here is also an earlier Bibi Andersen music video of her song Lady Champagne.

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Sunday 7 April 2019

Joesphine Joseph - Male or Female ?

Joesphine Joseph - Male or Female? - Freakshow Exploitation

For those that follow this blog you'll know that I have a keen interest in exploitation film and if there's even a hint of gender swopping then I'm on the case. I recently dug out Tod Browning's classic 1932 film 'Freaks'. A film made during the free reign of the pre-code era before sensibilities and censorship took control over Hollywoods output.  For those that are familiar with this vintage curiosity you'll know that what makes this film different is the use of real 'freaks' who were not actors but themselves.  One of these characters was Josephine Joseph, half male and half female, having a body that was split down the middle as half male and half female.

In today's world this film by Tod Browning will initially be seen as a non PC bad taste exploitation piece. However those that are brave enough to watch this film and see and judge the film for what it is will see a film which begs the viewer for tolerance and acceptance.

The film was banned in the UK for thirty years, even then being released in a highly cut down format. The original was released at 90mins but due to censorship issues it was cut down to 64 minutes. Sadly the original version is lost only the cutdown remains. From watching the film I get the feeling that many of Josephine Joseph's (JJ) scenes are now missing. I fear the film was cut as it was thought the film was too upsetting for the general public to view. Disabled people in film was a total taboo and was so for years after this films controversy.

But back to the reason for writing about this movie.  JJ was the character who was playing her/himself within the movie, and in real life made a living from appearing within freak shows at the time of filming. JJ scenes in the existing version of the film are very limited here is one of the team:


In freakshow fashion hermaphrodites were usually displayed in the half and half state. One side of the body male and the other half female. An outfit was also also created to help manifest the illusion of half male and half female, which would be a one piece, where one side was male and the other half female.

The illusion was also enhanced by two different hairstyles, one side male the other female. Rumour has it that many who were in the 'freak' scene exercised one side of their body making it muscular and toned whilst leaving the other side soft and flabby to create the 'moob' required for full effect. Some of these performers were male and some were female. I strongly suspect that JJ was actually a genetic born female who was exploiting public interest in the gender bending performances of the freak shows,

In real life JJ was a bit of an enigma. It is not known if JJ was actually male or female or actually perfected a convincing stunt pretending to be a hermaprodite.

JJ  was prosecuted in the United Kingdom at a show in Blackpool for false pretences and conspiracy on account of their "Half Woman-Half Man" circus show. Joseph claimed to be 27 years of age at the time (although in reality she was 33–34). The court alleged that the show was a fraud, and that she was not a true hermaphrodite. 

JJ was married to George Waas. Much of JJ's  personal life, including birth name, date of birth and death, has never be correctly verified.

You can read more about JJ at Wikipedia

The fashion of the half male half female continued to arouse public interest and was also part of the German burlesque scene of pre Nazi Berlin in Germany. As shown so perfectly here in the opening credits of Tinto Brass's Nazi exploitation film Salon Kitty.

Tod Browning's Freaks is easily available.

Are you affected by crossdressing? Do you have cross gender feelings that you find difficult to talk about? Why not try Cross Dream Life at

Monday 1 April 2019

Transgender 'Intersex' Movie - Berlin 36

Transgender Movie - Berlin 36

As transgender athletes are a hot transgender topic at the moment I thought I would do some research into the history of how the establishment has exploited cross gender within sport competitions.

During my research I came across the story of Heinrich Ratjen who was born Dora Ratjen. Dora says in his own words,  "My parents brought me up as a girl I therefore wore girl's clothes all my childhood. But from the age of 10 or 11 I started to realize I wasn't female, but male. However I never asked my parents why I had to wear women's clothes even though I was male"

Dora Ratjen AKA Heinrich Ratten or 'Heinz'
Dora was forced by the Nazi's  to replace their Jewish high jump athlete,  as part of the Berlin 1936 Olympics. The Nazi's were fully aware that Dora was a male who had been brought up as a female by his mother. So the Nazi's would rather have a trans person winning than a Jewish person. The whole concept is highly bizarre.

In 1938 she was examined by a German physician who described Dora's genitalia as having a "coarse scarred stripe from the tip of the penis to the rear", and stated his opinion that with this organ sexual intercourse would be impossible. It is from this point onward that we perhaps understand that Dora had an intersex condition. 

After the war Dora began living as a male, calling himself Heinz. 

Times magazine reported that Dora had presented as Hermann, a waiter in Bremen, "who tearfully confessed that he had been forced by the Nazis to pose as a woman 'for the sake of the honor and glory of Germany'. Sighed Hermann: 'For three years I lived the life of a girl. It was most dull.'"

Heinz refused all interviews about his life so it is very difficult to confirm the real story of his unusual life.  Heinz died in 2008. 

The film Berlin 36 covers her story, of a version of the story which will differ from the reality of his life.

Crossdressed and ready for the Nazi Olympics

The synopsis for the movie is:

Nazis remove talented high-jumper Gretel Bergmann from Germany's Olympic team because of her Jewish faith, and they replace her with another athlete -- who turns out to be a man. Together the two conspire to ruin the Nazi Olympic ambitions.

Here is the trailer:

The film is easily obtainable on DVD and streaming services. Well worth a watch. Enjoy.

For more info about Dora see the Wikipedia Entry Here

For movies about male to female gender transformation and fantasy visit Tranisa Feminisation