Tuesday 31 August 2010

Being Very Honest With Yourself

Me Four Years Ago

So is there a difference between these two statements?

"I'm a woman side, have always felt like a woman but I'm trapped inside a male body'


"I accept that I'm male, I act the male role, but I would like to be a woman and have always been jealous of women"

The first statement presumes the classic accepted transsexual position. But like it or not the viewpoint of feeling like a woman is based upon a male perception of womanwood. An imagined sense of how women are supposed to feel inside. A gentle and soft mannered male may feel that his feelings are more suited to the female role in life. This may well be the case and if it works out then great.

But what of people who feel that the second statement is true for them. Are they in any way less suited for transition? Perhaps they are as they may find it almost impossible to transition as they have lived out successful male lives. But if the desire is so strong to transition, is it any less deserving than people who fit into the first group?

I've spent pretty much all my life with a transgender obsession going through my head. I can take it back to first memories but I'm still trying to find where I fit in with it all. My main problem is because there is a sexual core to the transgender desire within me and I wonder what would happen if I took things further how happy I would be? What if I got to the other side and could not figure out why I had done the whole transition in the first place. I feel that my sexual desires are a spiritual flow inside of me,  I would always need this flow even on the other side. When I talk about sexual desire I mean at all levels, even without actual physical arousal just mental.

From using estrogen in low doses I have changed my sexuality I feel for the better. I can be sexual in thought only which is fine and I really feel that I can experience some form of 'female' response which I enjoy too. All of this feeds my AGP and does make me feel better about myself. 

How do others cope with this strange obsession?


Sunday 22 August 2010

Tranisa Fantasy Films - First Shoot

We've filmed our first set of films for the Tranisa web site. I've been editing them together all weekend. I'm very pleased with the results so far. All four feature two very attractive female models, very well known in the adult entertainment industry. I was very pleased with how well they acted in their roles and their high level of professionalism whilst on the set filming. We featured two males who also did an excellent job  putting up with being transformed and teased by both the girls, all day long. Everyone went away very happy at the end of the filming, and a little richer financially, except us.

Whilst filming I was reminding myself how there is no sexual interest in the dressing for crossdressers, or transgendered people out there. So I do wonder who my customers will be when the films are up on the site. Yeah right !!!!

The organisation behind the whole shoot was actually quite stressful but it worked out very well in the end. Shoot number two will hopefully be in a couple of weeks.

All being well I plan to launch the Tranisa web site 1st December with a number of films covering a wide variety of transgendered subjects. I am hoping to have around 20 available on the launch date.  Something for everyone.

We still need male models who are willing to appear in these films. We need young good looking skilled TG's who are willing to be transformed on camera. Ideally you need to be within easy access to London and the South East for filming.

Friday 6 August 2010

Tranisa News

I should be filming the first set of Tranisa films 20th of this month. I hope to film three, time permitting. Watch this space

Autogynephilia - Narcissism over the edge?

Me in Devon about 15 years ago.
I was browsing the web earlier today and found a post I posted five years ago on a TG forum. This was when I first came across the AGP word. I was surprised how much time I have invested in searching myself over the years, without gaining much from it. It wasn't until I discoved Jack Molay's Crossdreamers thread that I felt I found a common ground to rest my head. Anyway here is the old post I did:

So what exactly is autogynephilia?

The theory behind autogynephilia states that there is an entire group of transsexuals who are in love with the woman they fantasize themselves to be. They are in love with the woman they believe is inside them, or the woman they would be if they were women. This fantasy expresses it self in a sexual way and should not be confused with a general fetishism over wearing womens clothes. In most cases of autogynephilia it is the 'wearing the body' of an everyday woman. Autogynephilics may also see the sex change operation (SRS or even orchidectomy) as the ultimate sexual fantasy, so there may be an element of sado masacism attached. A post-op ts friend of mine once quoted that SRS was in fact, 'the ultimate sexual masacistic act'. So I think I understand her a little more since reading up on autogynephilia.

Many autogynephilics also pretend to be attracted to males in their sexual roleplay fantasies. The strange thing is when asked to describe the male they are having sex with, it is noted that the male is faceless. This goes onto prove that the male figure is a form of a stage prop to fulfill and justify feelings.

There is no reason why the theory does not apply to cross dressers as well. The difference would be the degree of infatuation, and the extent to which one was willing to go to bring the love affair to fruition. Many who have these feelings do go through the whole busing of changing sex. But are they happy, would they say if they were not happy? Autogynephelia is a neat and handy explanation for such phenomena as cross dressers increasing their activity the more frequently they dress, and the sudden switch to transsexualism at a later age. The more one cross dresses the "closer" one becomes to the love object until consummation becomes a necessity. Since the love object can only be obtained by externalizing it, the person must become the love object. Still with me?.

Interesting stuff don't you think. I would be interested in exchanging emails with anyone who has any comments about autogynephilia or feels they may be an autogynemetaphilic based transsexual. There are many TG's out there who do,in my opinion fit this description. However getting TG's to admit to any such thing is another matter.

So where do I fit in with the gender spectrum with reference to autogynephilia? Well I’m sorry I’ll have to be as vague as everyone else and keep that a secret too.

Personality Types of Autogynephiliacs

Do males who identify as AGP have other personality traits in common?

I was wondering if any of the following applies:-
Do we have poor relationships with the opposite sex?
Do we put the opposite sex on a pedestal?
Do we value anything in our males lives, which is reserved for the male sex? Apart from Rolex watches being better than women's ones?
Is the grass greener on the other side?
The inability to accept ourselves for what we are, are we fated to be at constant battle with our inner sense of self?
Suffer from obsessional interests in other areas of life?
Many people who suffer from gender problems seem to have other very serious personality problems, I often wonder if the root cause is from the inability to cope or deal with the gender problem.

Wednesday 4 August 2010

Sugar & Spice What are Autogynephiliacs Made of?

What I find hard to deal with is at the ripe old age of 41 I still can't decide what sex I am. I live 99% of the time in my male role and 90% of that time is spent crossdreaming. When I was younger it was most about the clothes (pre teen years) but since being an adult it's all about wanting to know what it feels like to be a female, something inside me wants to be able to touch femininity and experience it at the most realistic level that I can achieve.

So what are we made of? I'm a great believer in genetics but I often wonder if being an AGP is simply the result of media influence. In todays world women are sexualised to the highest degree. A simple advert for a woman's skin care product will show the woman lovingly touching herself, and almost having an orgasm from using the product. Yes I know I'm exaggerating but I think you know what I mean. So do males who have a predisposition for AGP get influenced by such imagery? Did AGP exist as it does today two hundred years ago? Crossdressing has always been around but the AGP thoughts and motivations have they always been there too?

So what goes through your head at the moment of orgasm? For me, what ever the fantasy, it's about somehow realising the dream of being female. The recognition by myself that I'm not a male, and the recognition by others that I'm not a male. The idea of being free. Acceptance by females in normal everyday situations which don't involve your typical fantasy situation but the fantasy of achieving normality as a female. 

Todays photo is of me riding in the Wheel of Manchester 2009.