Saturday 24 April 2021

Maintenance of Gender Dysphoria via Estrogen

 I have often felt that I use estrogen as a way of keeping the feelings of GD (gender dysphoria) at bay. The initial approach was the hormones without transition idea, so I could simply feel better about myself and accept a measure of feminisation to keep my GD in check. A  maintenance of my body chemistry so as I could feel normal. This has worked well for me in most ways pushing the nasty nagging 'noise' of GD out of the way, so as I can get on with life. Naturally over time even with a low dose you WILL feminise. But this is what you want anyway, what you have been longing and desiring for as long as you can remember.

We hear a lot about GD  as being a feeling of not feeling at ease with your own physical gender and or gender role within our society.  

So what are these feelings actually like for me? If I don't use estrogen I slowly build up a level of GD which simply becomes intolerable. Serious obsessional thoughts, pretty much night and day regarding wanting to be female, wanting to go back on estrogen for its mental effects, wanting the physical effects of estrogen. Feelings of intense jealousy of women, of wanting to be like them. Intense sadness of the realisation of being a male. Living your life for the expectations of others and not your own wishes. Repression of femininity expression leading to fantasies of being female through your own sexuality, as a symptom of GD. 

Taking estrogen the plus points:

- Feeling of at easy and calm within yourself.

- All of the obsessional thoughts, and the 'noise' of GD is greatly reduced by 80% or more

- Happy not being so sexually driven, being in control.

- Feeling good about the  physical feminizing effects 

- Liking what you see in the mirror

- A more colourful and meaningful sexuality

As estrogen makes me feel much more like 'me' does this mean I have the necessary estrogen receptors in my brain to make me feel good? Perhaps responding positively to estogen is indeed a physical test to determine who should seriously consider partial or full transition. We are told that if a regular guy were to take estrogens he would certainly not feel happy about himself, even if this were done as a blind test.

I have been on and off hormones for many years. The GD clears up nicely on hormones to the point were you often feel 'cured' but stopping the treatment soon brings back all of the problems you had before. So I am coming to the conclusion that taking estrogen is really what my body demands now to feel normal and happy. 

Feminisation is so very much desired but it is also feared, as you have to worry about how others will see you and how you're going to fit into the society. I often think that feminisation is so desired by me, like someone who desires power or gold to the extent that the desire itself should be forbidden. A sense of guilt about having the need which can cause you to try your best to try and return to being a regular male again. 

A feeling that I should 'pull myself together', and abandon the trans feelings. This is always done out of fear. This has occued many times to me, but each time I go back to estrogen to save me from the darkness of GD. Of course I have push myself futher down the line of transition each time I have done this.

I still live as a male, but when on estrogen, when it kicks in, I may get called madame when shopping or out and about. Even if I am trying to present as male. I have grown my hair long and wear a ponytail, I would not want to have my hair short ever again, I am happy with  my body and the changes and don't regret what estrogen has done, yet I fear going past a certain point. We see ourselves differently to the way other see us and I am  often surprised if I'm taken as female.

When I do present as female I simply feel so good about myself, but there is often the forbidden guilt inside of me. Maybe I have feminized myself and I have achieved what I wanted, but I desire more.

The temptation to increase the estrogen dose is so very strong. 

Do you think dear reader the effects of estrogen are a good thing if you're much happier as a person? There have been times when I have felt that estrogen has simply been pushing me harder and harder to actually be female. Perhaps estrogen is making my situation worse rather that balancing and maintaining the GD levels. However part of me loves what is happening to me. A guilty pleasure where I so want it but I am frightened too. I am happy and do want to be further feminized. If I was not taking estrogen the obsessional thoughts about being female would become disabling. You can't win and you have to accept all what comes from taking estrogen.

I appreciate that this posting my sound very mixed up. I find writing about such feelings actually very confusing. It's like the ultimate puzzle I have been given which I feel can be solved but not sure how.

I welcome all your thoughts, readers comments are approved before being accepted.

Love you all

Cheryl xx


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