Monday, 27 April 2015

Female Hormones & Feminisation Desires

Trying to achieve feminisation,
Cheryl Sussex Author of this blog.
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Male to Female Hormone Personal Experience

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to feminize myself and turn myself into a female. I have always just wanted to appear and be taken as a female. To blend in - the impossible fantasy.

I have been on low dose estrogen (with supervision)  on and off over the years and they have had their effects on my mind and body. I very much like the effects and feel a great deal of inner satisfaction from these effects of which are many.   In a perfect world it would be wonderful to transition full time but the idea is simply soooo scary. Worrying about being judged, rejected, laughed at in the street these fears are very, very real. I feel I face a constant inner battle between living a life expected of me and wanting to be the female I have always fantasied about being.

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I often stop taking oestrogen's as I feel I should have another 'one last attempt' at being male. It only lasts for a short time and I'm back on the hormones feeling much better, then I get getting to a point where I fear the uncertain future and I perhaps frighten myself to stopping hormones once again.

I have always used the word 'fantasise' regarding my longing to be female. What does this mean exactly? Constant thoughts running around inside my head that I want to appear as a woman. I want to see a feminine body when I see myself. Previously before the hormonal intervention the high male sex drive would get caught up in with the fantasy. Crossdressing was the only way of expressing how I felt inside and mixing in sexual desire made the experience 100% real inside my head. I found using sexual expression a way of expressing what I felt was the real me inside. The shame and guilt felt after a crossdressing session was so great that  always vowed 'never again I'll be normal'. The intense shame I felt was good enough to switch off the cross dreaming thoughts for a short while, but they always returned.
Have I achieved feminisation?
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I spent years wrestling with myself. Something inside of me knew I wanted to take female hormones. Something inside of me felt that I would feel much more myself if I did. So I got them, first from the net and then I saw a doctor and got them prescribed.

These days any sexual expression that gets caught up with my desire to appear female, does not end in any form of shame, nor does it stop the cross dreaming thoughts. Using what was a sexual expression to 'experience' the inner woman just does not really work any more to arrest or express any cross dreaming thoughts. So I have been able to separate what I feel is my female self from being mixed up with any sexual expression.

In fact my sexual expression and thoughts are now more to the regular thoughts of being attracted to others and not within myself. I feel good about not being as male as I once was, and delight in the knowledge of removing my masculinity. What am I left with? I'm left with the constant nagging feeling of still wanting to still appear and be female.

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I no longer have any way of switching off the thoughts as the shame is not there any more due to the workings of oestrogen. So have I made my situation worse now by getting rid of the shame and sexual associations? For me the most important thing about taking oestrogen was to feel normalised. This does work but I am pushing myself further along the conveyor belt of transition even though I know its what I want most.

Day to day I live my life as a male although when on hormones I often get taken as a woman, which for some reason mystifies me. I wear women jeans and have my hair long as a male so I probably look a sight. I love having longer hair and would never have it cut as a male style again.

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So have I already achieved what I very much felt I needed to do - feminisation? I still want to take things further, what I have done is not enough.

It does seem to me that oestrogen treatment has done me a lot of good, to the point where I simply feel I should be on it full time regardless of my fears.

If anyone else out there is in the same boat as me please do write. Or if you simply want to comment please do. All comments are extremely helpful. Your comment will not appear on the blog until I approve it. This is only to keep the nasty trolls at bay.

Are you affected by crossdressing? Do you have cross gender feelings that you find difficult to talk about? Why not try Cross Dream Life at

Crossdressing support group

Thursday, 23 April 2015

The New Girlfriend (Une Nouvelle Amie) New Transgender Film

Une Nouvelle Amie (The New Girlfriend) is a new transgender themed French film covering the subject of Crossdressing and gender confusion.
  1. Here is the synop from IMDB

    Childhood best friends Claire and Laura are utterly inseparable, so it comes as a particularly devastating blow when Laura becomes ill and dies, leaving her husband, David, to raise their newborn daughter Lucie by himself. As she stops by the house one afternoon, door unlocked, she find a strange woman holding Lucie, who, on closer inspection, turns out to be David in a blonde wig and one of Laura's dresses.

    The film has just been released on DVD in France (in French only,  no English subtitles). The BBFC in the UK has just this month issued a 15 certificate for it so I guess it will be doing the rounds of the art house cinemas. I see a trip to The Duke of York cinema in Brighton in the near future.

    The UK general cinema release date is 22nd May 2015, but there are a few advanced screenings.

    More info can be found on the film director Francois Ozon's website here

    Any way here is the trailer for now:

Saturday, 18 April 2015

Transgender Woman Launches Bathroom Campaign

A transgender woman has launched a campaign on social media to protest bathroom bans. Brae Carnes of Victoria, British Columbia, has photographed herself over the past few months as she applies makeup and even changes in men's public restrooms, sometimes when men are even going to the bathroom right behind her. This to protest a proposed amendment to a Canadian transgender rights bill that would allow owners to make their own decisions as to whether or not to allow transgender individuals to use facilities corresponding to their gender. Source From Daily Mail Here

You Tube fans may know Brae from her You Tube channel

Thursday, 16 April 2015

TG Site The Other Side of Your Soul

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I thought I would feature a new TG Captioning and story site called The Other Side of Your Soul. It contains a fantastic archive of the best TG captions, stories and comics I have seen on the net. Created by 'Xandra', she features many guest captions from other sources too. Wonderful stuff.

Please let me know if you have a TG site you would like me to promote and feature on this blog, happy to help.

cheryl x

New Transgender Movie - Carl(a)

Carl(a), from writer/director Eli Hershko, is about a male-to-female pre-operational transsexual contemplating how to come up with the cash needed to complete her transition and facing the hardship of being dejected from her family. The film stars Joslyn Defreece, Laverne Cox, and Mark Margolis and is screening April 20 in New York City at the Ziegfeld Theater as a fundraising campaign for National Center of Transgender Equality.

Source from Out

The film has its own website here

The film also has its own blog here

Watch the trailer of Carl(a)

Carl(a) Trailer from CONJURED VISIONS on Vimeo.

Transgender Movie Characters

Here is an interesting piece from US News regarding the absence of transgender characters in the media in 2014.

Last year was a banner year for the representation of transgender people on television. Laverne Cox of the Netflix series “Orange Is the New Black” became the first openly transgender person to be nominated for an Emmy, while “Transparent,” an Amazon Studios show about a transgender woman coming out to her family, premiered to critical raves. 
But on film, transgender characters were nowhere to be found.

Laverne Cox Transgender Actress

Tuesday, 14 April 2015

TG Captions Male to Female

I thought I would share with your some recent TG captions I made myself. I'm a big fan of TG captioning and if you have a TG caption or Caption site you want to promote please let me know and I'll ad your details to this page.


Cheryl x

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Monday, 13 April 2015

Renee Richards Transgender Bio Film

In 1986 Renee Richards autobiography was turned into a TV movie which stared Vanessa Redgrave, playing both the male and female side of Renee.

This is a wonderful movie and was one of the first films about the subject that I saw. As far as I'm aware this film was only released on VHS back in the 1980's and has since disappeared. Vanessa Redgrave's performance is perfect. The film really does show the struggle and frustration of gender dysphoria.

Here is the synopsis from IMDB for Second Serve

Fact-based story about tennis pro Renee Richards, whose player status was challenged in 1976 when it was revealed that she was a transsexual. Flashback to 1964 and meet Richard Radley, a successful New York doctor with a great lifestyle, a flashy girl friend, and a secret life. Seems like the good doctor likes to dress up in women's clothes and visit Manhattan. His psychiatrist mother refuses to deal with him and sends him to a colleague who diagnoses with a psychotic gender confusion, which he says can be unlearned. After a failed marriage and fatherhood, he gives in to the transsexual operation and becomes Renee for good with a new life in California.

Here is a clip of the film :

In 2008 Renee Richards published a follow up bio called 'No Way Renee', which covers the second half of her life from where her story ends with the film.
The book can be purchased from Amazon

Richards looks back and speaks frankly about all aspects of her complicated and often notorious life in this eye-opening, thought-provoking memoir. Richards' honest and compelling narrative explores the dichotomy between the successful life she lived as Dr. Richard Raskind, who seemed to have everything (devoted friends, a beautiful wife and son, a stellar record of academic and professional achievement, and outstanding athletic ability), and a secret life of struggle with a drive that could not be suppressed, even by years of psychotherapy and the force of a considerable will.

Sunday, 12 April 2015

Femfluxx From The TG Factory

Let me introduce a site I have just found call Fem/Flux. Created by a collective of TG comic and caption enthusiasts. 

The site is packed with wonderful fantasy stories such as 'Pink is the New Orange', by Morgana

"After a long and destructive economic crisis the Transformation Party has come to power. This party is run by ruthless men who have decided to keep the people in check by enforcing "traditional values", while at the same time enjoying the pleasures the patriarchy has to offer."

Currently the TG factory has the following engineers:

  • The Foxx: Lover of classy stories about magical transformations
  • Xing Xing, who creates stories of all types transgender
  • Morgana, who is more into the really kinky stuff
  • Xandra, our secretary and guardian angel

Saturday, 11 April 2015

Medical Feminisation Surgery

Here is a little video I made about the theme of medical feminisation within TG fantasy.

The video features top adult models from the UK Adult industry including - Paige Turnah, Sapphire Blue, Lara Latex, Masie Dee, Holly Kiss and Chessey Kay.

Cheryl x

JW Player goes here

Taking Estrogen to Treat Autogynephilia

Transgender Hormone Estrogen For Autogynephila Crossdreaming?

Here is part 2 of the Autogynephiliacs Estrogen story by 'Moon'. This was originally posted on Jack Molay's Crossdreaming blog and has been republished here by kind permission. For the purpose of continuity comments should be added to the original source on Jacks blog.


It's been just over three years since I wrote my "Autogynephiliacs Love Estrogen" mini bio, which my friend Jack kindly published on his blog. I was very surprised to hear that many of his readers were very keen on hearing an update to how I am doing today, but here it is.

Illustration by Sergey Nivens

Guest Blog Post by "Moon"

Being taken as a woman

"Hello ladies, can I get you some drinks?".....

"Madame, we have some other items over here"....

"No, no madame. The ladies is over there, this is the gents toilet"....

Being addressed by strangers as a female when you're out shopping or in a café with a friend is rather odd, especially if you are, or think you are presenting as a male.

So why do others sometimes think you're a female? Estrogen. Yes, the hormone you perhaps have always wanted to have running through your system.

For a reason you can't explain you have this desire to feminise yourself. You have had thoughts which have driven you crazy, you somehow know that this is what you want deep inside. You want to be a woman. Yet you do fear the unknown of the rather frightening path that you are taking. But hey, you have just been out to a cafe with a female friend and the waiter has just addressed you as a female.

So you have been taken as a woman, without even opening your mouth, you're dressed as a male but others are seeing something else that you’re not completely aware of. You're not even on a full transition dose of estrogen.

Feeling happier

All you know inside is that you do genuinely feel better about yourself. You feel happier, more in control, able to put your thoughts about being a woman into perspective. The obsessional thoughts are very much reduced and your thought patterns more logical. Estrogen is working for you, it makes you feel much, much better.

Before taking estrogen you were pretty much all over the place. Feeling like a car running on the wrong type of fuel - but now you're having to deal with the side effects of turning into a female. But why not? This is what you have always wanted isn't it?

Since the effects of estrogen have helped you feel more like you, should this feminization automatically follow?


Being taken as a female on the odd occasion when out initially scared me, but you do get used to it. I was forced into a situation of really questioning who and what I am, down to the most basic level. So I got scared and stopped taking the estrogen, after all I was 'cured' and felt very good.

I do feel these days that all of us who question our gender are all pretty much the same. I don't understand the transsexual groups who want to put themselves on a higher ground, or be part of some sort of pecking order.

I believe we all deal with this problem the best we can with what we have. Everyone has been dealt a deck of cards at birth and we make the best of what we have to deal with this problem.

I don't believe a trans person who can pass well is any better a woman than someone who can't pass. Who is to say both types are just as genuine on the inside, who am I to judge? There are so many variables to contend with that a gender transition can seem a very frightening and impossible task.

What of those who really feel trapped, for whatever reason, and can't tell another soul how they feel inside or indeed express any form of what they really feel inside due to simple fear. Fear really is disabling, it can rule your whole life. So is it any wonder that for some the only outlet is via a sexually associated fantasy, the only time the brain is allowed its own safe outlet to a forbidden expression?

Getting off estrogen

Estrogen does change your sexual needs and your crossdreaming just becomes part of your own life. Everything does settle into place.

So why did I come off estrogen when I enjoyed the effects so much?

1. The realisation of the ageing process, not believing I could present as the type of female that I dream of being.

2. The realisation of having to come out to family and loved ones. The shear fear, shame and embarrassment was overwhelming. Even though my parents know about me they are now very elderly and have several of their own worries about their health. I would not want to add to their worries.

3. The voice in my head telling me to be safe and return the the normally of the known rather than the unknown.

I was off low dose estrogen for about a year. Gradually the facial feminisation effects seemed to disappear. I was OK in myself feeling finally settled.

After about 6 months the crossdreaming began to return with a vengeance. It was always there, running in the background, but it was manageable under estrogen. The obsessional crossdreaming thoughts simply became too much again. It became difficult to concentrate on anything else in life, I was all consumed.

Back on Estrogen

So I started taking E again. I wanted to see and and have others see the female within again.

I have calmed down again, being on E, and am enjoying all of the effects once more. I’ve yet to be referred to as a female again but I guess this will come again in time.

Each time I start again I am pushed that little bit closer down the transition road, or at least I think I am. One such example is a strong desire to present myself as a female whilst out and about. This has always been the number one fantasy but due to taking E it seems more of a normal thing to want to do. There is no shame attached to this desire. I feel my sexuality has become more independent and does not necessarily have to be a part of cross dreaming.  On the subject of shame, E has managed to erase all of the shameful thoughts I have always had regarding my cross dreaming.

This time around on E there is a sense that the feelings of well being, or what I would call the euphoria, are not as strong as previously. The well being feelings are definitely there and they are keeping me sane but not as strong as I have known before.
Photo: Ihar Kaskevich
This time around it also took about a month for me to start to feel better. Previous experiences have resulted in me feeling good within two to three days. I am on the same dose and brand I have been on last time.


I have read several stories regarding trans people who just want the relief of a low dose and then eventually go to the full dose and then finally fully transition.

When I started the estrogen treatment I used Estraderm TTS25 patches for several months. The effects of such a low dose really helped and within a couple of days of starting I felt happier. After about six moths or so I upped the dose to Estraderm TTS50 as I began to feel the hormones were not doing enough for me. (I currently use Estraderm MX50 as the TTS patches were discontinued for commercial reasons in the UK.)

The thought has occurred to me that I have been desensitised, or that I have built up a tolerance to the dose of E I have always used. I am starting to see the light physical changes again in my face and body. As I said, the euphoria is not a strong, but the bodily changes are happening. Maybe this was why I initially upped from 25 to 50 patches? So there is a great temptation to up the dose to regain the euphoria which will in turn escalate the noticeable physical effects.

I have also read that E is addictive, psychologically so at the least, and I feel that this is true. Just as a person who takes illegal drugs want to maintain the high and so up the dose?

From crossdresser to transsexual?

I remember talking to a transsexual once at a party who started off as a regular crossdresser who wanted relief from the gender dysphoria and so started a low dose of estrogen. I remember at the time this person started a variety of threads on trans forums asking for feedback on her idea of 'low dose hormones without transition'.

A year later she had doubled her dose to a full transition dose. It was at this point that I saw her at the party and learnt of the increase in estrogen. She told me that since taking E she felt great and since upping the dose she now feels incredible. At the time I personally thought this 'high' she was recounting was from other means, like substance abuse, but I believe now she was telling me the truth.

Had the euphoria begun to wear off on her low dose and she wanted to maintain the high that E can give? (The person I have described is now post op) So what happens when you are on the max dose and the euphoria wears off, is that when you jump to SRS?

Sorry, these thoughts are simply my own personal thoughts and ideas.

Taking away the shame

Every now and then I do feel that I may be actually making things worse for myself by taking E. For example before I ever took E the shame attached was so great that I was able to put away my cross dreaming thoughts and pretend that they didn't exist, even though they were always nagging me.

E has taken away the shame and does seem to be pushing me further along to what would eventually be a transition, but at the same time I do so want that, or at least I want to 'experience' the whole transition. E enables you to touch your inner woman and also express that side of yourself better without the sexual desire attached. It enables others to see the inner woman, even though you may feel you're presenting as male.

Physical traits

I do have problems with knowing what is imagined or fantasy with regards to the hormone effects. When I see myself naked I see female physical traits to my body shape and I have small breasts. It took me a while to actually realise that these physical changes are actually real and not imagined by myself.

So how do I feel about my body? I seem to enjoy looking at my body and feel pleased with the effects. My skin is far more sensitive and I have a better shape. I measured myself with a tape measure. 39" hips, 33" waist 39" across the chest nipple area. My breasts are small and very noticeable to me, but I seem to be able to hide them ok. Every now and then when I meet a new person I notice they often look at my chest, so something is noticeable to them.

My hair on top is not as thin as it was and is longer than it has ever been in the past. I have a very usable pony tail when I tie it up, and my face looks a bit younger.

All of this I feel good about. Although when I catch a glance at myself and see my male face I often still feel sad.  So generally I don't have a problem, but my worries are of how I come across to others. I worry greatly about what others think.

I publish photos of myself presenting as a female on the net and I’m very flattered by the feedback I get. People online often say how feminine I look and how I should have been born female. This is lovely to hear but I don’t take it on board and tend to reject the comments.

I have been experimenting with my presentation in public. I have always desired a more androgynous look. I got myself a woman’s winter coat which is quite girly as it's golden in colour and has a fur lined parker look to it. In the UK this is very much a female look, although the parker type jacket is just being worn by guys again. Anyway if I wear this coat with my hair down I get less 'odd' looks, if I tie my hair back in a pony tail I do get questioning looks.

I always wear women’s jeans now and have done for about two years now. I have a close female friend who knows about me and she doesn't seem to mind having a day out with me in a more androgynous state. To her there is nothing wrong what so ever with crossdessing. When I was last out with her I said 'I'm not too girly dressed, am I?". She responded with a big smile, almost laughing and said "But you want to be more girly?"

Future unknown

The future is very much unknown. It does seem that E allows me to have better management over my soul. The main reason I wanted to take E in the first place was to feel better about myself and take off the nasty obsessional edge to the cross dreaming. All of the other effects were very much secondary, perhaps with the belief that I would not get any physical changes.

I go to a trans friendly hairdresser every few moths to get an androgynous hair style. When I was last there, the hairdresser said she very much liked my Facebook photos of myself. I had given myself away by 'liking' her salon Facebook page the day before visiting, she traced the like back to me and recognised me. She said how she suspected that I was trans anyway, as I was always asking for an in-between hair style. So she cut my hair in a very feminine bob style, which I loved.

So I was there again the other day, and I was given a lovely bobbed hairstyle and was also encouraged to try a new long style -- i'll go one step at a time. For the last five months I have been taking hair vitamins and using Regaine hair restorer. My hairdresser had noticed that my hair was thicker on top and less transparent. I guess this is a combination of the vitamins, Regaine and estrogen. I'm actually very pleased at this news and I can see it myself as well. So this is another reason to stay on oestrogen.

My thoughts on my situation do change from day to day, depending upon external life stresses etc. Some days I really do question my sanity, even though I feel better as a person because of the estrogen. The feeling of being 'cured' at times makes me want to stop, as I feel I could never actually go through with a transition even though I would still want to.

I think part of this is my own worries of 'what will others think of me?'. I then remind myself how life was without the estrogen. Estrogen allows you to see the wood from the trees which is impossible to do without estrogen. The hormone allows you to feel female, which seems to be a better emotional state for my mind, and of course long term allows you to look female. If I were to become a full time woman I guess I would be OK with some work and effort.

I do get rather confused at times as to what is the best for me long term. I have a far better understanding of myself even though this posting suggests quite a lot of confusion, and I also see gender differently. I realise that I am not really male or female inside but somewhere in-between the two worlds. The one conclusion that always does return at some point is that I am better off on estrogen.

I post this anonymously due to the amount of hatred that my essay may cause amongst the HBS community, who fear people like myself. I'm half tempted to say who I am and not be anonymous, you may already know of me, but then you may only judge me on my female appearance from the photos you may have seen of me.

I welcome all your thoughts.....I'll keep you informed........


Important notice

Neither Moon nor me are medical doctors. The reflections presented here are not to be considered medical advice. Male to female crossdreamers who would like to experiment with estrogen should contact a health professional first.


Real Forced Sexchange? Does it actually happen?

Forced sexchange operations are the highlights of forced feminisation stories on sites such as Fictionmania. 

We have all probably read a few of those in our time.  I have often been very curious if incidences of forced exchange operations happen in real life. Do they only exist in the realms of forced fem fantasy, you would think so, but on doing some digging here is what I found:

Dr Levin head of South Africa's
the "The Aversion Project" 
 South Africa's apartheid army forced white lesbian and gay soldiers to undergo 'sex-change' operations in the 1970's and the 1980's, and submitted many to chemical castration, electric shock, and other unethical medical experiments. Although the exact number is not known, former apartheid army surgeons estimate that as many as 900 forced 'sexual reassignment' operations may have been performed between 1971 and 1989 at military hospitals, as part of a top-secret program to root out homosexuality from the service.

Although several cases of lesbian soldiers abused have been documented so far—including one botched sex-change operation—most of the victims appear to have been young, 16 to 24-year-old white males drafted into the apartheid army. Between 1967 and 1991, all white males over the age of 16 were conscripted in South Africa. The apartheid regime, which began in 1948, officially ended in 1994. Read The Full Article

Friday, 10 April 2015

Forced Fem Film - Unconditional Love

Forced Male to Female Transformation

Yes a mainstream film about forced feminisation. Well sadly this film is not mainstream enough. Although an English movie it does not seem to have a distributer over here in the UK. It was premiered at one film festival and I'm not aware of any other showings in the UK. Please correct me if I'm wrong. This is a good film and the only way I was able to see this film was to buy the Region 1 DVD from the US.

This is not really a transgender film as the motivation is not of gender confusion, but it is of being forced to play the part of the female.

The basic plot is a young impressional lad is 'groomed' by a good looking older male into dressing and posing as a female. The older chap perhaps has a 'fetish' for girls with something extra. What starts off as a bit of fun soon becomes a confused nightmare. Well worth watching.

Here is the trailer:

Autogynephiliacs Love Estrogen

With kind permission I am allowed to republish this fascinating article about 'Moon', from Jack Molay's Crossdreamers. Moon is using oestrogen's as a form of treatment to dampen down her cross dreaming desires. This was written a few years ago and part two was released recently. Part two will be published here in the next few days. On the original post there are lots of very interesting comments. For the purpose of continuity you'll be better off adding your comments to the original linked (above) post at the Crossdreamers Blog . Here it is:

I am going to share another story from a another male to female crosssdreamer  with you.  She (or he?) wants to remain anonymous, so I am going to call her Moon.

The moon has become a transgender symbol for me. It is masculine in the Germanic languages and feminine in the Latin once. Furthermore, its shifting phases/faces seems to indicate a more flexible approach to gender.

Moon has been experimenting with hormones, which have had a significant effect on how other people see her. The question is: Should she go all the way?

In this text "autogynephilia" [AGP] is used as a synonym for male to female crossdreaming (i.e. a man's arousal from imagining himself having a female body), and not necessarily for the autogynephilia theory per se.

Autogynephiliacs Love Estrogen

By Moon

So what happens when a guy who has spent pretty much his whole life fantasising about being a female takes female hormones? And what if that male person feels that they have always been more transsexual inclined, but feels that there is a driving force behind the feelings of wanting to be female which calls itself autogynephilia. How does he know what he is?

Is he a transsexual who would benefit from transition or a transsexual wanabee with some bizarre condition that mimics the symptoms that makes him feel he is a transsexual? Or is he someone who is making a big deal out of his own little perversion?

That person is me in a nutshell. I want to be as frank as I can be about my own experience with hormones and their effect on me. I have decided to publish this anonymously which is why I have asked Jack to publish this on his own blog.

Before anyone asks I have been through the counselling process and have come away not really any the wiser as to what I am. My conclusion is that you have to help yourself find out who and what you are, no one is going to tell you. The last period of counselling allowed me to take hormones 'legally' for the first time. Before this I had tried using hormones on my own for short periods.

So why do I feel the need for hormones? Well, the desire for feminisation is very strong indeed and occupies my thoughts and causes me frustration when I face the reality of life. Crossdressing helps with creating a image of a female but it is rather limiting. There is a great need to make it more 'real'. 

 The sexual aspect has always evolved around being identified as a woman in my fantasies. The sexual component seems to be a way of making the fantasy real for a short time. After all there is perhaps no better emotional outlet to use if you can only takes things up to a point. The masturbation allows you to suspend the disbelief for a short while. I have always had the sexual component tied in with my gender thoughts ever since I was a small child. I have been masturbating from first memories too. So I'm not like others who say their sexuality reared its head in their teen years.

After a few days of starting hormones I felt a great sense of relief, a positive sense of well being and the feeling that I was at last dealing with my problem. I was put on a low dose (Estraderm TTS 50 patches) which I was happy with, as the dose given was making me feel much better in myself. I felt more like me. My therapist told me I was feeling better as my thought patterns were now able to flow freely and be processed better with the introduction of estrogen into my system. It was a sign that my brain wiring was actually feminine. How true this is, is another matter.

The first year continued like this. I felt all round very happy. I felt in control. My fantasies still continued but without the bad feelings of guilt and shame I had always associated with them. I was able to masturbate when I wanted to and it was much more enjoyable too. Orgasm was a little harder to achieve but everything was better.

I was not actually transitioning in the gender role I was still me. I came to the conclusion that the need for a transition was not a priority and that I had found a way of being happy. Why did I need to turn my life upside down and start dressing full time as a female? The idea was there and I would have liked to, but I felt I had to be realistic with what could be achieved.

From about a year in with hormones I started experiencing odd glances, side ways looks from people when I walked down the street. I began to feel self conscious, very much like what I felt in my teenage years. Why did I receive such looks from strangers? Was I simply imagining it? Was it paranoia? What this reaction made me realise was that I had perhaps started to loose the protective 'testosterone shield' which makes you deal and respond to stress better than females. I was still my everyday male self in my day to day life, although I had grown my hair a lot longer as I felt that the longer hair was more in tune with the person I felt inside.

Up to this point I always believed that to pass as a female I would have to spend an hour or so with make-up and fussing with presentation. I had spent years going to tranny clubs so there was always the association that to be taken as female you have to dress as one and wear makeup. I was still presenting as a male or perhaps as a more relaxed male with longish hair. So I was very surprised that in casual exchanges in shops or markets I was being called madame, or she. 

The first time this happened I could not get over how a person could take me as being a woman and I was presenting as a male. I made no attempt with adjusting my voice or anything like that as I was just being me. This type of situation started to occur more frequently and I made the note that it was non English people who were mistaking me for female. 

As time wore on I say about a half of communications with strangers resulted with them thinking I was female. Sometimes the word 'she, miss, madame' were not used but it would be something else that would give it away. Men would smile at me if I passed them on the street, or the verbal exchange may result in some sort of phrase such as 'Guys can multi-task too, you know', was one reply I had back from a chap who would only say something like this if he thought I was female.

I was just being myself. There was no change in my attitude or mannerisms, yet every now and then it would be made known to me that I was being taken as a female. These were always short exchanges, such as purchasing something in a shop or walking past someone wanting to do a street survey, or charity box holder. Close friends who had not seen me in a while but knew of what I was doing told me how girly I was starting to look. Yet I did not see this woman emerging from myself, she seemed invisible to myself but easily seen by others. I was still me, or was I?

As I was growing my hair the lady hairdresser I had been going to for some time seemed to automatically give me a female hair style each time I visited. I enjoyed this and worked up to having the full works of hair coloring and highlights on each visit. She would ask me how my 'partner' was, so I guess she thought I had a boyfriend. My sexual attraction had always been for females.

I started to feel as if the train I was on was starting to run a little bit too fast for my liking.Yet I held on and continued as I felt very happy, if a little paranoid.

Orgasm became harder to achieve, but I was able to maintain my pleasure at the cliff edge before falling off, for as long as I wanted to. Sexual experience became much more of a whole body experience, rather than a penis thing. My nipples became a source of masturbation and could have easily replaced what pleasures I had known with my penis, but that still worked and gave me pleasure. 

I was experiencing I guess what I had always wanted to experience. I would also hide my penis away and simply masturbate using by nipples and caressing my body. I would pretend in my mind that I had a vagina and was really a woman, it was wonderful. I also experienced genuine feelings of wanting to be rid of my penis. I had not experienced this before and realised this was my brain's reaction to its sense of what my body was and should be now with the wash of estrogen's within me. Men also became a source of attraction and started to replace the AGP sexuality that I had always known. To really feel like a female - yet this forbidden pleasure that I had so wanted was somewhat scary.

The thing I wanted and had fantasied about the most was actually happening to me. People were taking me as a female with no effort on my part (I was still dressing as a guy) and I was enjoying a sexuality that was 100 times better than pre hormones. But obtaining this prize did frighten me. I can't explain why or put into words why this was so.

So what did I do? I pulled the plug an stopped taking the hormones at around the two year mark.

A year later many physical and mental traits have remained. I don't get taken as a female day to day anymore. I do not see the difference between myself then and to the way I am now. But people's reaction and response have changed back. I do still get the odd look or second glance but it is not so often now. Part of me is sad at what I have lost, but I treasure the mental bits that have been left within me such as the exposure to a new form of sexuality beyond AGP which in part still remains.

So what about now? - Well I still want to be female and would like to start up again with the hormones, but the fear of the unknown frightens me. Would I be happy or would I be a regretter. So confusing and I still don't have any answers or know what to do.

Thursday, 9 April 2015

The Danish Girl NEW TG FILM

Eddie Redmayne before and after for the new TG film The Danish Girl.
Currently in production The Danish Girl starring Eddie Redmayne. In the film, Redmayne, 33, portrays Lili Elbe (born Einar Wegener), one of the first people to undergo sex reassignment surgery. “The Danish Girl” follows the relationship between Redmayne’s character and wife Gerda, played by Alicia Vikander, during the transition, which took place in the 1920s. For more info on this story see the source here

In early 1920s Copenhagen, the illustrator and artist Gerda Wegener asks her husband, Einar WegenerEddie Redmayne to stand in for a female model. The popularity of the portraits leads to Gerda painting her husband in further pictures as a woman. Einer develops an attraction for a female physical appearance and begins living as woman named Lili Elbe. Ultimately Elbe becomes the first ever recipient of male to female sex reassignment surgery, and Gerda supports her decision, although their marriage becomes strained when Gerda comes to the realization that Lili is no longer the person she married. More Info from source here 

Tranisa Behind The Scenes

Here are a couple of photos from our very first day of filming almost five years ago. The two lovely ladies are Jess West and Lola Lynx.