Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Go On Just One More Dose....I promise it will be the last.

Pushing You Harder & Harder.  AGP a Lifelong Obsession

I have often thought that AGP has a kind of pleasure reward system behind it. Do a little something to give you that extra femininity and then you get the pleasure reward from doing so. I often feel like an addict  at the mercy of AGP.

Looking back over the last twenty years I feel my AGP thoughts have kept pushing me harder and harder to go down the road of transition. I go so far and then pull back and tell myself to pull myself together.

When I was twenty I had my ears pierced, no real big deal all the other guys were getting it done..... but in one ear not both like me. 

Nose job at thirty. I asked for a feminine nose, and the surgeon did his best.

I grow my hair long. I goto a ladies hairdresser as my male self. I'm given a woman's style of cut with out asking. The lady who cuts my hair knows a TS friend of mine so I guess she presumes I'm the same. I enjoy having it done like this.

The use of hormones to control AGP.  I'm not really sure if hormones control the AGP desire these days. They do make you feel better about yourself and help you feel more natural as a person. They take away the guilt I suffer with of being transgendered. As expected the hormones, even with a low dose over time have feminised me, which I like and take pleasure in the mental reward of doing so.

Boy George once said "We become our sexuality" I see a lot of truth in this. For me my sexuality is like a river running through me, its always there even when I'm not in a sexual mode. The cross gender feelings are always there even when I'm trying my best to pull myself together and be what I'm supposed to be.

I often just want to give up the fight and just give in to the whole thing, transition and hope for the best. But being at the mercy of the general public with acceptance is something I find very frightening.


  1. Hi Cheryl this is Christine writing...

    I found your blog via Crossdreamers and have liked what you have posted so far.

    First off, you pass *very well* and I really like your wardrobe choices!

    I have experienced the TS pecking order first hand; I was booted off Pink Essence (the site founded by TS poster child Chloe Prince) for posting a blog about the eroticization of my gender expression during puberty.

    Talking about sexuality amongst Trans Women is like talking about money amongst rich just don't mention it, ever.

    You have also mentioned here that you feel a pull towards transition...almost as if by feminizing are conditioning yourself past the point of no return.

    I've felt that draw myself, but have also noticed I feel it a lot less when I don't interact with other Trans Women (including TV's and crossdressers)...

    Indeed, the more I hang around that bunch...the more I feel like transitioning. Conversely, when I hang with my wife and our friends (who are also natal women and happen to be lesbians), I don't feel it so much.

    I was curious who your peer group is and if you feel any external pressures to transition emanating from that group?

    Thanks again for creating this blog and I will talk to you soon



  2. Dear Christy

    I found your comments about peer group influence most interesting.

    Most of my closest friends are somehow involved within the transgender world. So yes you could be right and have something quite valid in the issue you have raised.