Monday, 11 February 2019

Male or Female? Transgender Memories

A life of feminisation fascination 

Me....Cheryl Sussex
Over the last few years I feel I have come full circle regarding my outlook on gender. As a very young child, pre school years, I decided that males and females were in fact the same. The only difference was the clothes that men and women presented in. My brain also decided that these 'costumes' that provided the gender difference also permitted the wearer to behave in a certain fashion, either masculine or feminine. Such a belief from myself as a young child was entirely understandable. Adults know that the costume that you wear dictates how you behave. If you're a policeman in uniform on duty you'll be in work mode commanding a level of respect compared to the same person dressed casual at a social occasion.

Such a simple ideology dreamt up by a young child meant that becoming a member of the opposite sex could easily be accomplished. Where this original thought came from I really don't know. The presented image of the female either adult or child, together with the permitted behaviour and emotions that were allowed by females was very appealing to me. So my brain fixated very early on the ability for me to experience 'girlhood'.

I will now share with you some random transgender memories which have stuck in my mind over the years.

Cheryl Sussex
Doing my early years of school life I soon learnt that such desires could never be made public, and needed to be kept under wraps. I remember playing in the playground once and a girl came up to me and said 'You scream like a girl', I was so ashamed. It was as if this girl had seen what was on the inside of me. My manner at the time was just like any other boy, or so I believed, however I was very shy. Another thing I was ashamed about was that I could never throw a ball over arm like the rest of the boys. If I attempted to throw a ball overarm it would only travel a very small distance. The other kids teased me saying that I can't move my arm right and throw like a girl. Sports days were an embarrassment.

My parents moved house a few times, when I was very young, which meant I had to go to a number of different schools, which didn't help with my shyness. One thing I noticed was that at each school I went to there was a 'girly boy'. Oddly enough these boys played with the girls and didn't get picked on by the other boys. I remember being totally fascinated with such feminine boys at school. I didn't befriend them as this would be a serious risk to my own acceptance. Why was I so fascinated by them? Well here was a young boy my age who was expressing a behaviour pattern, girliness, and he was dressed as a normal boy like me. He didn't need to have the costume to enable him to act like a girl, nor did he act ashamed as he was simply being himself. I would watch and admire the feminine boys from afar whilst at school. At one school the resident girly boy was playing a game of kiss chase and he caught me which meant he had to kiss me. I had to put on an act of struggling as he gave me a big kiss in front of my friends much to their amusement. I secretly liked the kiss, I was eight at the time.
Cheryl Sussex

As I grew up and went to the local comprehensive (12 to 17 years), I noticed the local feminine boy was not treated very well at all expect by the other females. The males would ridicule anything different and of course he was. I was still very fascinated by such feminine males, but this feminine boy who was girly in every way to the extreme also had a sister in the same year. They may have been non identical twins. What was strange about them both was that she was exceptionally masculine, she was dressed as a normal girl but had the behaviour and manner of the other boys. She was never teased like her brother. 

So my private study of gender through feminine boys or masculine girls was all I had to understand my own concepts of gender. To make matters even more confusing the 'twins' when they reached leaving age they both presented as heir assigned gender. He was no longer girly and she was no longer boyish. Both had gone through their own internal transformation. Maybe this was forced upon then in order to conform? I will never know.

On leaving school there were two social icons who renewed my fascination with cross gender behaviour. Boy George and Marilyn.  Seen here is this short clip (actors playing Boy George and Marilyn) from the BBC drama 'Worried About the Boy', which is a must see. There are full versions of the film on YouTube to watch. 

In my late teens I had developed twisted testicles. Yes this is exactly what you think it is. The blood supply is cut off and the testicles die if untreated. The pain was so great that the doctors 'saved me' from castration. Looking back I often wonder if it was my own body rejecting the masculinity that was to come.

It was also during this time that sexchange operations made headlines, usually in the Sunday tabloids. With the usual very unkind comments, which would result in transphobic arrests by police if they were printed today. Tula (Caroline Cosey) was the beautiful Bond girl who used to be a male,  Stephanie Anne Lloyd who used to be Keith Hull made the headlines with her sexchange too. With Stephanie's story the newspapers printed some form of untrue bizarre story regarding the events leading up to the sexchange. They stated that Keith has contracted a rare tropical disease and that the only cure was to take oestrogen and have a sexchange - how bizarre. Stephanie later reinvented herself and became the owner of the chain Transformation shops in the UK.

Another unusual story was Stephanie Robinson, who I first learned about through her modelling and her appearance in a TG magazine. Stephanie was particularly interesting as she did not fit the usual narative. The following is from Reuters

Stephenie Robinson, a British transgender police officer born Stephen, never felt like she was trapped in a wrong body and never dreamed of living life as a woman.

Robinson’s transition from man to woman began 35 years ago with one doctor’s diagnosis that the reason behind her unmanageable sex drive, suicide attempts, violent outbursts and occasional cross-dressing was simply because Robinson should have been female. 

Stephanie Robinson
The doctor proposed three treatment options to the then-26-year-old computer engineer: brain surgery, aversion therapy or female hormone treatment.

Desperate not to be sent back to a psychiatric hospital, Robinson decided to try female hormone therapy. The estrogen treatments addressed her psychosomatic issues, which ranged from hypersensitive skin to a violent temper that, at one point, prompted social services to threaten to take her children away. 

But Robinson was far from being overwhelmed with joy. 

Stephanie says, “The impact of estrogen taking is that you will feminize and there’s no way out of that.”

Stephanie's book A Light in the Dark can be purchased through

Cheryl Sussex today
I myself have been feminized to a certain degree and have used estrogen to bring about an inner peace. Which has its own problems in its self. I have written many times about my oestrogen use here and here for example. 

One of the sites that I always like to promote is CrossDreamLife which is a friendly forum for gender questioning people. The forum is also a good support centre for those who can't transition as it's simple not an option in their lives. There are plenty of case studies on there from others who experience cross dreaming. Cross dreaming describes the thoughts and feelings of the desire to express the inner woman. Many have found peace and a 'solution' to their situation.

Another event in my life was to explore all of the transgender feminisation fantasies out there through the medium of video. Tranisa was formed almost 10 years ago and introduced us to the fantasies previously reserved only for print, TG Captions and stories found on the net. It was difficult to move fantasy to film as when filming you are presented by the walls of reality all around you, however our actresses really got into the stories and made it real for the viewer, no matter how outrageous the story. I even appeared myself as a male who is feminized in the story, this was usually when the booked male actor got cold feet and didn't show up for filming.

So at the beginning of this blog entry I said I have come full circle with my view on gender, as I now feel like I did as a child that we are all the same, and that gender does not really matter. Male and females are the same, I know in reality men and women are very different, but to aid my sanity I have decided that we are all the same. We can be who we want and we can express who we want to be, subject to confidence and social situation.

As previously said I have feminized myself to a certain degree. This has probably influenced my thinking somewhat. Before using estrogen I really could not see the wood from the trees. Everything was quite a mess in my head. However as I previously have stated in blog postings I have 'yo-yoed' on and off hormones over the years which I know is not good for me, but they seem to be the only thing that genuinely helps me.

Take care everyone.....

Cheryl x

Saturday, 26 January 2019

My Pretty Husband - Wife Accepts Her Crossdressing Husband

What happens when a wife discovers her husband crossdresses? 

Have you been caught crossdressing? Please let me know.

This trailer is from one of the first films we made at Tranisa, which examines what happens when a young man is caught out and discovered to be a secret crossdresser. The film is a happy film showing the positive side of what can happen when we believe the worst has actually happened.


Film is 'My Pretty Husband' from Tranisa.

Masie and Satine are having their coffee morning discussing what to wear at the weekend when the postman arrives. Masie opens a package addressed to her husband by mistake and is surprised to find a transvestite magazine inside. Both Masie and her friend Satine are shocked that Masie's husband Peter may be a secret crossdresser.

Peter returns home and is confronted by Masie and Satine. The truth is soon forced out of the very nervous Peter.

What follows is Masie and Satine's introduction to Peter's inner woman. The girls dress peter in feminine ladies underwear, matching bra and panties with some extra soft pantyhose for his girly legs. Makeup applied his face looks like a doll. The long red wig finally transforms Peter into a very convincing woman, much to the pleasure of the girls'.

Encouraged to be girly Peter soon forgets he is a man and enjoys his new future as the girls feminized play thing.

Do You Need Support For Your Transgendered / Crossdreaming Feelings?

CrossDreamLife is a friendly transgender forum which explores the world of Crossdreaming and crossdressing. Discover others like yourself who dream of becoming a member of the opposite sex.

Tuesday, 10 July 2018

Help With Gender Dysphoria

Felix from the Transcend Movement has created a number of extremely helpful books tacking the very difficult subject of gender dysphoria and cross dreaming. These books are especially helpful to those who are in a position where they feel they can't express their inner female, as well as those who are considering transition.

The ideas and methods presented in these books are totally original and are very much 'outside of the box' thinking. You'll really question your own personal motivations and discover new methods of help, allowing you to cope with your own gender feelings.

These books are seriously good. I would not put a plug up on this site unless I was not impressed by the contents of these books. Money well spent and an excellent investment in yourself for the future.

You can also view the Amazon Book store for The Transcend Movement Titles

Sunday, 10 June 2018

The Fear of Becoming a Woman?

The Fear of Becoming Female?

Once fully feminized would you find yourself in a cloudy position with regards to your transition? Would you no longer have the reference or understanding which drove you to transition in the first place?

Cheryl Sussex, author of this blog post

So what if you're transitioning and all of your feelings regarding transition are most sincere. You’re convinced it is the right thing for you to do. You’re getting positive feedback from the hormones you’re taking. Your brain is less cluttered, the obsession of crossdreaming is much reduced and you feel much happier as a person as a result. You’re now free to simply get on with your life. The desire to transition is still there pushing you harder and harder along the transition conveyor belt. Your sex drive is much reduced and you are much happier being less driven than before. You have perhaps achieved your goal, the quality of life is better, you feel yourself  (what ever gender that is) for the first time in ages.  

At this point there are a number of outcomes to this scenario, mainly dependant upon each individuals personality type, confidence and support network of friends and family. 

1. You feel cured. So much so that you don’t understand what the whole transition business was all about in the first place. You stop taking hormones and decide that perhaps life as a male is not so bad after all. You’re OK for lets say two to three months and then the cross dreaming thoughts come along again. You hold out for as long as you can but you end up taking the oestrogen again just to have a clear head. This process may repeat itself over and over for many years. However after each cycle you have been pushed a little further along the transition conveyor belt.

2. You stay with the hormones. You like yourself now. Everything is great. The estrogen dose is maximised, you live full time and all is going well with your transition. You are doing the right thing. SRS may even be a strong consideration.

Lets pretend that these two outcomes could still eventually come to the same to the same conclusion that this person below experienced. A person who transitioned when young and has lived most of their adult life as female. The ‘AG’ in the text below refers to Autogynephila: 

Most of this text has been extracted from a comments discussion from the popular Autogynephilics Love Estrogen post at Crossdreamers

"Transitioning from male to female alleviated many of the symptoms of AG. In my mind, this is why many with AG find transition as the answer to their prayers... up to a point. They wish to be female sexually... transitioning lets them become what they need sexually... but ultimately the hormone which has pushed them into this corner (testosterone) becomes weakened... the very element pushing the need for femininization is cut off... and without this hormone, the need for transition becomes cloudy... the meaning of their entire sex life becomes cloudy... the reason for their feminization becomes uncertain... and they feel lost. "

This person recognised a strong cross dreaming element to the transition process from the beginning.

"I started transitioning from male-to-female in the late 90's. At the time I explained my concerns of being AG and transitioning to my therapist, but he didn't see it as problematic. It probably didn't hurt that I was small, attractive, and extremely passable. I think those aspects "qualified me" in their books... almost no matter what I said in session."

" I transitioned and lived for almost a decade in the female role. It was great in many ways (I was "present" during sex with a partner instead of locked in my own fantasy world! I was seen as attractive and enjoyed the attention from both men and women. I felt a certain ease in the daily feminine role instead of trying and failing to measure up to the masculine.), but terrible in others (Expense of transition. SRS is final. Most TS's I know have severe lifelong issues -- even the ones who "pass" completely. As you age, the need for FFS and other surgeries becomes a reality if you want to stay on the feminine side of the tracks. Being a female can be frightening -- I was in two attempted rapes. I resented having to be tied to an endo and pills forever. I found that it was hard to have true girlfriends because they look at you differently than other women... even when they say they don't. Etc.)... and ultimately I de-transitioned."

"Now, years later I'm on hormones again. It took years for the AG to return, but when it did (I suspect when my T levels returned to normal pre-transition levels), I knew that I had to deal with this somehow... and forever..."

"I'm hoping that I can skirt the issue between genders... living work as male and everything else as female. I understand this is a very limited and difficult existance (and possibly not fulfilling), but I have no choice. No therapist has shown me a way to get rid of AG... and years of willpower and denial made me angry and almost suicidal, so..."
"My hope is that I can continue living a limited female role until I'm old enough that I no longer pass and/or my need to express myself sexually has diminished to where I no longer need to be a girl. Will that happen? I can't say... maybe... we'll see..."

"After I de-transitioned, it took my system many, many years to regulate hormones. For years I was asexual and had no AG. In fact, I thought I was cured. Then..."

"I noticed my forehead was getting greasy... I was getting more aggressive... I was having sex dreams again... and getting aroused. I knew my T level was rising after all those years dormant... and that's when the AG started to return. I was really horrified. As a child I'd prayed that God would release me of these thoughts. I thought he'd answered my prayers... but now learned differently."

"I wanted to run back to transition, but fought it -- I'd learned too much of the reality of transition to do it again, but with no cure for AG, how could I deal with it?"

"For me, I looked at what I needed most... to be seen as female on a casual social level and sexually... and this is where I hope to keep it. I choose not to have SRS and change my documentation (what a nightmare it was to change back last time!), but to come to terms with being an extremely feminine male (tg)."

"To this day I really wish there was a cure to this. More than female, I really just want to be "normal."

This experience seems to be more common that we think, with the crossdreaming condition. There are many that argue that the test for transgender transition is to take estrogen and see how you respond. The common thought is that the person with the Feminisation Fetich will soon come off hormones and be relived to return back to normal masculinity. But many have taken oestrogen in high does with T blockers over many years, transitioned and then found themselves in the position the person has described above.

Transgender forums are full of stories of people 'yo-yoing' back and forth between the two worlds. These people are not fantasists and are very real. Their feelings of gender dysphoria are very powerful and are driving them to take oestrogen's to feel like themselves.

Psychologist Anne Vitale has recognised that many transgender clients over the years, have experienced what she calls 'Testosterone Toxicity'. Briefly that testosterone is the driver for transition, and coupled with the aromatase into oestrogen makes things much worse for the transgender individual. The aromatase into oestrogen is the part of this subject that I simply don't understand. However you can read the report here which has some excellent case studies

Here is an extract:

"It is also known that the administration of cross sex hormones MUST be maintained to sustain the anxiolytic effect. It is not unusual for some patients, feeling better after starting hormones, to believe they are cured and no longer need to continue the medication. Unfortunately what they experience is a quick return of their gender dysphoria. If there is any physical test to determine who should seriously consider partial or full transition, taking cross sex hormones is it."

"In addition, to account for the periodic need to cross dress in certain males, I predict that eventually we will find that as testosterone levels rise above some threshold in the daily lives of these males (Ahokoski et al 1998), that the enzyme aromatase becomes active and temporarily converts testosterone into estradiol forcing a strong desire to dress and live, even if only temporarily, as a woman."

"as counterintuitive as it may seem, it can only be assumed that testosterone plays a crucial role in forcing certain male individuals to crossdress and experience femininity to the maximum degree possibly."

So is testosterone the driving force behind transition for many? Perhaps testosterone only has to exist in very small quantities for it to act as a driver? For some the feminisation process may have been going on for years before the 'cloudiness of transition' sets in. For other only a few weeks of treatment is a enough to switch off the condition.

But the problem is what do we do to treat ourselves and maintain a quality of life? For those who come off hormones many are restarting again months or years later just to find some relief.

I myself have restarted a low dose regime of oestrogen. I simply could not stand it any longer and knew the only thing I could do to help myself was to take oestrogen. I am now far happier, my brain is settled and everything in my life seems to make sense. I am happy, but I know as I continue the problems of how I will be perceived to others will become apparent. I too just want to feel normal and oestrogen makes me feel normal regardless of gender. It feels as if I have no choice but to accept my feminisation, in order to be myself. Maybe I am transphobic myself and this is my problem?

So I would be interested to hear from others who are in the same boat as me. Have you come to a form of acceptance? Perhaps a partial transition even? Have you fully transitioned and now wonder what has driven you to transition in the first place? Did you experience all of the above, fully transition and are happy?

Monday, 30 October 2017

Trans Hypno Therapy

Trans Hypno Therapy

Tranisa presents another forced feminization classic.
Lara and her husband are having marriage problems so they decide to try and solve their problems by visiting a doctor. Lara's husband is rather sexist and has very old fashioned ideas about Lara's role in their marriage. He want her to be more submissive and 'to do as she is told'. The doctor has other ideas and decides that the problem is with Lara's husband not Lara. He is soon transformed into panties, stockings and a big pink sissy dress to make HIM more submissive. A great fun male to female transformation of a sexist husband into a sissy plaything for his wife. 

You can watch this film now here

Friday, 6 October 2017

Feminization an S&M Fantasy? : Georgette Dee in Seduction the Cruel Woman

Seduction The Cruel Woman (Verfuhrung: Die Grausame Frau) is a 1985 West German film directed by Elfi Mikesch and Monika Treut. The film stars Mechthild GroƟmann and Georgette Dee. Mechthild plays Wanda a dominatrix who runs a gallery in Hamburg. She lures and seduces men and women of all types into her S&M play world where audiences pay for the privilege of seeing her performing with her slaves, including her feminized Friederike.
Georgette Dee

Georgette Dee plays a fascinating but small part as Wanda's feminized secretary and slave Friederike. The film opens with Friederike in a male sailor costume, but after this opening scene we next see her happily typing away at the typewriter performing her secretary duties for Wanda. From this point on we only see her as a female.
Wanda in a thoughtful moment. Probably gets her best ideas in the bath?
 "How can I feminize Freiderike more?"

Georgette is featured in many scenes within the film but sadly her character is not fully explored. The main theme is the lesbian relationship Wanda has with her American female lover. 

Friederike gets her reward
There is one scene where Friederike is rewarded for her services as a feminized slave by being given a tattoo which is part of a humiliation and public display S&M scene. I presume this is a reward for her devotion to her own feminisation at the hands of Wanda.

[ ** If you enjoy feminisation films why not check out our Transformation & Feminisation film shop. **]

The film is very dark, dreamy, hypnotic, erotic and bizarre. The tag line quote on the film poster for the film was, "A stunner....This is S&M by Avedon, outfits by Dior". In fact there are some fantastic outfits and Mechthild does look stunning the the variety of outfits she wears. There are some great scenes for those with a shoe fetish too. The film looks good in stills but for me the assembly of the film needed a bit more gloss, as the film can seem a little boring to some, but not if your fetish is featured. Monica Treut wrote her PhD thesis about sadomasochism so she does know what she is talking about.

I originally saw the film at an art house cinema back in the early 1990s. I was mesmerised by the movie at the time. Seeing it years later on the small screen I was disappointed. I think the enjoyment came from the atmosphere within the cinema at the time, or perhaps it does not translate well to the small screen.

Georgette Dee, is trans herself, her roots seem to be from performing in subculture transvestite cabaret. Georgette was awarded the German award for 'Small Art' in 1994, known as Deutsche Kleinkunstpreis. I can't find out much information about Georgette as all the interesting text appears to be in German.
Friederike in an S&M moment

The DVD of the film is easily available from Amazon here.

If you enjoy feminisation films why not check out our Transformation & Feminisation film shop.

Confused about your gender? Why not join up Cross Dream Life a friendly forum to meet others like yourself.  

Male to Female Transformation Movie Trailer - Triple Echo

A short while ago I wrote  about the forced crossdressing movie Triple Echo, (read the entry here). At the time of writing there was no movie trailer available anywhere, but I did find a copy on Super 8 film of the original British trailer.  Please bear in mind the quality is rather poor and the film had faded somewhat but I have done my best with it. It's a very good fun trailer I hope you like it. A Spanish DVD edition is available from Amazon here.

If you enjoy male to female transformation movies why not have a look at our Gender Transformation Movie Store full of male to female fantasy transformation films.

If you are confused or worried about your gender feelings why not join Cross Dream Life a very friendly forum where you can meet others like yourself.